Be Steadfast My Heart

At the risk of sounding preachy, I’d like to talk about integrity. Since I was asked to decline going to the 5-days, Tan Sri Azizan Zainul Abidin Integrity Circles for Young Professionals in Cherating, I feel that I have something to say about having integrity.

By definition, integrity means steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code. I don’t want to go all legal jargon about it, but suffice enough to say to have integrity is to be govern by a moral compass. What it means is, doing what is right, irrespective of one’s religious/non-religious background.

My definition or rather the definition that has been drilled by a drill sargeant of a father, Papa always reminded me ‘don’t do unto others what you don’t want to be done to you’.

Therefore, I’ve always taken measures to avoid being the party to hurt others, or do things that would hurt the people I love. Unfortunately this doesn’t stop others from hurting my feelings or myself. Right??!!

Just because I live my life according to a code that I follow doesn’t mean others will. All I can hope is for the best of luck in those who’ve hurt my feelings with or without their knowledge.

Sometimes an innocent conversation between two people can be misconstrued. It is by no means the fault of anyone save the one person who’s crossed the line previously.

You know what they say, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I do hope no one I love ever experienced the gut-wrenching hurt I went through on 22^nd November 2007. I wouldn’t wish it even on my evil enemy. I don’t.

I just want to learn to trust again. And to love unconditionally. Steadfastly loving a soul. And to heal my broken soul.

This time though I’ve left no stone unturned. And if it happens again, then it’s a deal-breaker.

For me, at least. And I can walk away with much relief. This time none of it will be my fault. Not even a smidgen.

It is by no means this entry was meant to hurt anyone’s feeling. If it did, suck it up. Not everything in this world is about you.

This is my little promise to myself that I need to forgive myself and look in the mirror with a clean slate, that I am not to be blamed. Therefore, I don’t owe anyone anything. All I do owe is to myself, to learn to trust in love…again. Which I haven’t been able to do successfully…full-heartedly. And I think because I still hurt inside. I may look okay, because I need to be strong for others.

Now I need to be strong for me. Just me. So I can handle whatever else God has deemed an obstacle for me.

Gadget Madget

So much for being on a hiatus. My previous entry was steeped so much in anger and disappointment. I’m writing now not because my disappointment has ebbed a bit. It’s still there.

But at least today I don’t feel like I’m sitting in a vat full of shit.

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Last night, at Big Boss’s farewell dinner S went as a Winx Club fairy. She didn’t win this time but she did get a present. Pooh colouring pencils, a prayers book and a box of pencils. And I got 2, let me repeat that TWO hampers.

Wished the lucky draw was a ticket for two to Paris. Haha.

Who would I bring yeah?

Maybe my new colleague who I just found out was also an English grad. Yay! Ada gang.

Psst…he’s single too. And looks so much like Tzu, J’s boyfriend.


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I’m getting a Blackberry as a present from my beloved brother. Can’t wait man!

Love my brother so much! He's spending part of his yearly bonus on me. Woot!

I'm such a shmuck. I didn't even get him a birthday present. So I think I'd better get him a woop-ass wedding present. Heh.

See! Wish list do come true. I think he got tired of hearing how I wanted a Blackberry for so long but kept from getting one because of the price. I’m not cheap but I sure don’t want to spend so much on a phone.

Let me clarify that - a phone is just a phone yeah. It doesn't clean your house for you, spoon feed you, brush your hair, wash S's backside after big business. All it does is take, make calls and write sms, email, MMS. I'd pay 3k oh hell 5k for a bloody phone if it does all those extra things for me.

That would really be worth it okay.

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Okay, now must focus on work again. Will be out of the office the whole of next week for an integrity course. Sigh.

Toodles.

To Whom It May Concern

Go ahead. Take it. You want it so badly. Take it.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I've spent 7 years trying to find it. Elusive joy. Unfortunately the stars were not smiling at me all the time.

So go ahead. Own it. If you want it badly enough.

I'm broken. I'm all out of hopes. Even reserve.

Everything Speed One

The things I get in my email are surprising. Apart from belonging to a thread started by a couple of friends, now that have grown to be so monstrous that sometimes I can’t find the time and inclination to open each and every one and read them.

Liz, do I really need a speed dating site??!!

Are you trying to tell me something my dear? Heh…

*thinks hard*

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I’m going to be on a short hiatus. At least until I’ve studied and sorted this Kajian Separuh Penggal for RMK-9 and speed read on macro-economics.

So much to do, so little time.

Be good.

Not So Good Friday

Attention-whoring much??!!

Or just desperately seeking a companion that you look in all the wrong places?

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I’m back in the office. Just shoot off a long email. Wished I didn’t have to write it but it was fighting to get out. Not a memendam rasa kind of person, hence the email.

Today I heard something not-so-nice said about me. A subordinate transferred to my department recently. Today at the farewell party they threw to C, some remarks were made. Such as ‘not happy to come to my department because of disliking someone here’. By that I think it’s me lah. Because when we worked together I went against him and got my boss to support my decision.

Personally, I don’t like him too. As a person. Only because he sees his rudeness as part of his personality. I totally disagree. Rudeness is not part of one’s personality. That’s just lack of manners. You can always make your point across without raising your voice or be scathing to others.

However in a workplace, work must be done. And personal feelings aside, I don’t let it colour my judgement towards another person – workwise. But if I feel I'm right and you're wrong, then I will fight to get my way. Don't bother crossing me.

I tell myself it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. So I’ll just have to manage it as best as I can.

I have to keep telling myself I don’t have to let it bother me. Gadzillion times.

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Last night I got some bad news. HM is going for HRT treatment at the age of 31. She’s single. And have been suffering from bloatedness for awhile. She thought she was just fat. But few weeks ago she got it checked and they found a cyst 12cm in diameter in her uterus. So now her doctor will try to put her on menopause, hoping to shrink the cyst which they suspect to be a malignant tumour. If it shrinks then they’ll do a chemo surgery to preserve her fallopian tubes.

Min, you’re in all my prayers. Please be safe.

Sojourn on F Hill

Over the weekend, Liz came over. We watched a bunch of movies. Let’s see, we saw I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2 funny guys and hot Jessica Biel), Enchanted (Amy Adams, Patrick Dempsey, James Marsden), 27 Dresses (Katherine Heigl, James Marsden), Flood (Robert Carlyle, Joanne Whalley), Water Horse which I only managed to watch 30 minutes of it. Then I took her out for sata, otak-otak and kopok. Yum!

Gossip kaw-kaw. Syok la. I had a wonderful weekend. IM cooked. He made chicken in brine. What is brine? Hang pi google nooo….

Me? I made tuna sandwich for Saturday breakfast. And goreng meehun and fried chicken for Sunday lunch. And I bought the groceries. Okay la tuh. Think I super cook like Gordan Ramsay kah??!!

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Day I

I’m writing this from my bed in SI in Fraser’s Inn. It’s cosy enough. There’re just not enough things to do here. And it rained when we reached here. And one part of the road leading up the hill was in the middle of some sort of construction. Apparently the roads were closed yesterday noon because of some loose earth and rocks flooding the roads. It’s been raining heavily these past few days.

I found out the heavy rain was persistent since before the General Election. And there were incidents where the ballot box had to be airlifted to the counting centers.

From Bentong to the hills is only around 29 km, if it was a straight road I betcha we would have reached here in half hour or less. But because it was winding as hell and the brief stop at KM16 before they let us through made the journey less likable.

See I don’t do hills (there’s a whole list of places I don’t do, and you can betcha ass on it!) only because of the roads leading to the hills. And for the first time in my life, I suffered from car sickness. Seriously. I almost vomited. Sigh.

Wei dei am not preggers kay.

Okay now that we’ve straighten that fact, let me tell you there’s no Astro in my shared room. I’m forced to watch RTM1 and RTM2, TV3, NHK, Astro Sport, Cinemax and NTV7. Those 3 channels don’t count because NHK was showing sumo wrestling (WTF!), some golf thing on Astro Sport and some movie with Chuck Norris in it. Ugh!

Ever watched Teka-Teki. The host is super irritating with her high-pitched voice and now I’m watching some Malay drama. Good thing it had Ako in it.

The course starts tonight. I’ve had a 2 hour nap to cover the lack of sleep I had because SA had a tough time sleeping. Her nose was bugging her. And her dad can’t sleep without the air-con (yeah the can die one if no air-con type) so I carried her out and let her sleep in the living room on the toto. Around 5 am I carried her back in and switched off the air-con.

The first class was handled by none other my own batchmate. Elle was surprised to see me. Likewise. I haven’t seen her since the day we graduated in 2004. Man! That is one long time.

Lecture wise she was excellent. Clear, concise and lots of practical knowledge. Made understanding everything easier.

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Day II

After a *good night sleep* we had breakfast. For me it was a piece of toasted wholemeal bread and a couple of sausages, slices of papaya and sweet sweet honey dew. Last but not least a cup of strong black coffee. What a way to start the day.

*Definition : tido mati deh, rasa cam takmau bangun pastu*

The lecture was dry, the speaker uninspiring. I visited the loo and ended up playing forgotten warrior on my phone for 15 mins. Aiyoh! Must be careful. Too long sitting on the bowl can cause piles.

One thing about the loo was the placement of the tissue paper. Hard to describe but I've never seen a placement like this before. To the left pernah. To the right pernah. But over and behind my head. IM said I'd have to do my business like Mat Rempit. Chis!!

This evening we’re supposed to go to some boating adventure and horseback riding. Huh??!! Got ah??!!

It rained and rained. I feel gloomy just typing that down. I ended up in bed with my journal. My written one.

The Vice-Versa drama not bad eh. Lots of eye candy. Don’t know what I’m talking about go and watch TV3 on Tuesday 10ishpm.

Day III

I’m beginning to hate this whole course. All the speakers are either fast talkers, speakers who don’t take questions very well and worse still – sengau.

But the sengau one proved to be the best speaker - experience wise.

This morning the hotel informed some of the organising committee that part of the road leading to the hill have to be closed due to more loose earth and rocks.

Crap crap crapity crap

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

Pantun 2 kerat yang tidak berirama ini tidak sesuai untuk dibaca kuat. Baca dalam hati saja.

Another alternative to drive back to Kuantan would be to take the road leading to Batang Kali and that would take longer to reach home.

I want to go home.

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I’m home. The road was passable by the time we got down. So glad I’m home already you have no idea. Going out now. Toodles.

Selamat Menyambut Maulidur Rasul.

TGIF

This morning as I was about to put on my working shoes, a shriek was heard. Aku lah yang shrieking tuh.

One big-ass bergerutu frog was grandly sitting snug in my right shoe. As I ‘shoo, shoo ko’ the frog buat derk ajer. Took the umbrella and knocked my shoe upside down. Out came the frog. Who then proceeded to calmly climb on my pink Bata Japanese Slippers.

Sabor ajer la!

Because I was running late and forgot to pack some wet wipes in me bag, I try to imagine the frog NOT doing his business in my shoe and just shoved my foot in. It was a bit wet but I try not to let it bother me. Drove straight to work, got on the elevator and went straight to the loo and washed me poor foot. Me foot been kissed by a frog. Buley??!!

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TGIF. Sigh. So looking forward for the weekend. Have a good one.

Toodles.

One night on a remote island

Circa 2004

One beautiful night, on the beach, somewhere in Perak, two souls bonded and shared thoughts on love.

After a simple dinner cooked over an open fire, and a quick bath with moss-covered well-water, we stretched our plastic blue-orange makeshift tent into a tikar. Laying next to each other, watching God’s wonderful creation – the moon and stars came out to gently wink at each other.

He wore his pagoda t-shirt, kain pelikat and natural musk. I wore my sweats, t-shirt and a good morning towel on my head – modestly and weakly covering my hair. No natural musk, I’m afraid. I brought my Johnson’s baby powder okeh.

As we lay next to each other, head to head, toe to toe (he wasn’t that tall and I don’t mean no disrespect!), he told me all about his fiancée – the love of his life and the woman he wants to marry. She was his postperson. He was trying to woo her best friend. But his efforts were rejected raw – tolak mentah-mentah. Only because his birth certificate didn’t carry the Syed name. Tribal sungguh.

“lor ada lagi pesen orang gitu ker..”

“you’d be surprised, Me”

So the postperson became the shoulder to cry on. And he began to feel something bloom for her – in a not-postperson like way lah.

“apa yang buat ko sayang gila kat dia la nie?”

Pregnant pause. He swallowed before continuing.

“tiga bulan lepas pinangan aku ditolak, aku mula kenal dia. diri dia sebenar. aku bagitau dia aku ada perasaan kat dia. dia mengaku dia dah lama memendam perasaan kat aku. Rupanya, Me, orang yang betul-betul untuk aku ada kat depan mata aje. Tapi sebab dia tau aku minat kat kawan dia, so dia tolonglah aku.”

I looked at him like he was an alien who just landed on his arse and didn’t know it was his ass.

“ko biar betul…”

“aku tak habis cakap la…aku tak sangka perasaan aku masa tuh tersentuh and aku dapat rasa sakit dia macam sakit yang aku rasa bila pinangan kene tolak mentah-mentah. Aku paham sakit dia macam mana. Jadi bila dia korbankan perasaan dia only to see me happy - buat aku jatuh cinta sepenuhnya. Pada aku bila ada orang yang sanggup buat camtu memang dia akan sehidup semati dengan aku. Sanggup susah senang bersama.”

The swell of emotions I felt vibrating from him almost made me cry. The look of pure longing and tenderness I see from his eyes almost broke me down.

But kurang macho okeh kalau nangis. Dahla pakai towel good morning kat kepala tuh. Apa kejadahnya tetiba nangis?

Silence hugged the both of us. Lost in our own thoughts. Mine all the way to him. His all the way to her.

The stars winked at us. Then he asked,

“camna ko tau ko confirm nak kawin dengan dia?”

“mak dia set date mai umah risik aku”

He gently socked my arm.

“woi apa main-main jawab nie. Hati kering la ko nie”

“takle, I guess I can’t imagine being with someone else”

“but la nie, we all asyik bertekak aje, tak larat aku. Dah la penat kursus, bila tepon asyik bertekak. Penat la.”

“la ko nie, sabor la…dia rindu tuh”

“rindu mende kalau asyik gaduh. Outward bound nie bagus pada aku – tadak henpon seminggu. Takyah gaduh. Dia bukan jenis nak tulis surat ke mende.”

“takpe la kang ok la. Ini cabaran berumahtangga.”

March 2008

So much has happened. Yet that night remains an unforgettable memory for me. Last night I dreamt of K. Last I spoke with him was back in January.

Ayat aku cam biasa

“ko dah kurus ke boroi ke maintain….*gelak Serbia*”

“aku maintain, Me”

“ko sihat, Me?”

“camtu camnilah”

Then we made small talk and promised to meet up whenever I’m in the capital. I’m rarely in the capital these days. But one day I’m sure we’ll meet and catch up.

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10,000 BC - A Review

As per the title, we went to the cinema last night. Watched 10,000 BC. A bit slow at first but it was average. I mean even going in without expectations I came out feeling…ho hum. In the beginning we didn’t know what to expect whether it was a cgi driven movie, cartoon or what you see is what you get lah.

I think what spoiled it for me were some of the unintended comic effect. Plus I can’t seem to place D’leh’s character (Steven Strait) as a mammoth hunter cause he looks like a surfer sesat in Alaska.

Camilla Belle’s character as Evolet looked so darned familiar. Googled her name and lo and behold…makcik dalam When a Stranger Calls.

Those baby blue eyes are haunting. No wonder Affif Ben Badra’s character fell in love with her.

The director also directed Jake Gylenhaal and Emmy Rossum in The Day after Tomorrow. Same director for Will Smith’s Independence Day and also Godzilla.

On a scale of 1-5, only go if the ticks’ prices are on a super cheap Wednesday. 3.5. Heh. And I’m being very generous because I like Ben Badra’s character. I like looking at him too. Who doesn’t?!! Big Bad guy who looks at the blue-eyed witch with so much longing and vulnerability. Gotta love that combo.

Oh and they all look like they smell as bad as they look. Yer la if prehistoric times where got Dettol or sabun mandi Camay. But they have really white white teeth…ker masa tuh dah jumpa kayu sugi…And no hidung penyet. And less hairy. Bukan cro-magnon people apparently have hidung penyet like their cousins the simian (monyets). Then some more have dreadlock hair. Ker orang la nie yang revert to prehistoric hair?

*sniggers*

Pictures of 10000 BC credited to scifiunited.com

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I’ve cleared most of my stuff. Getting a move to 4th floor. Sigh. I’ll miss my sofa. Seriously. The best sofa ever. So plump and inviting.

Good bye Mr. Sofa. You’ll be sorely missed.

*misty eyes*

Addiction

I thought the first entry was okay to mark my foray into blogging world….again. No excuses why I closed down the other places. It just died a natural death. Because I lost the drive to write there anymore.

So here’s hoping I stick this one out long enough and not have it die on me yeah.

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2 entries to start the ball rolling eh...Cheers!

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I have to be in F Hill for a 3 day course. Sigh. So blardy far man.

But I suppose the time away meant I’d have to miss him.

Sometimes when I’m at work I miss him.

Trust me it has never been this way before.

In a way it feels odd yet right…enough.

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SA is turning 3 in 2 months time. Wow! Soon enough she’ll be old enough to accompany me on shopping jaunts. Not that she hasn’t been a good company, it’s just there isn’t much input on the purchasing side.

The kind of input she gives is the ones where my output would be

‘jangan pegang tu, pecah kang’

‘where are u girl, jangan main sorok-sorok, ilang kang’

‘okay stop hugging my leg, girl’

All this points out to

i: my lack of shopping buddy (husband don’t count; he makes a lousy shopping partner – the every few minutes glance at the watch and muka bosan is soo not helping…

ii: can’t wait for Liz to come this weekend…hope it pans out. We plan to lepak the whole weekend, take her out for kopoks and sit in front of the telly for a marathon of either Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy or Gossip Girl.

Note to self : Must burn both seasons of UB and GA. Pronto.

Note to IM - And no – my BFF stays my BFF. MINE.

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Have seen Jumper (Hayden Christiensen, Rachel Bilson), Catch and Release (Jennifer Garner, Timothy Olyphant-TO for now-, Kevin Smith), The Great Debaters (Denzel Washington), Atonement (Kiera Knightly, James McAvoy), Juno (Ellen Page), Eastern Promises (Viggo Mortensen), The Brave One (Jodie Foster, Terrence Howard) Golden Compass (Nicole Kidman, Danial Craig, Eva Green), Meet the Spartans (not worth mentioning).

Loved all of them except The Brave One. Ugh! Terrence why you go play a cop like that man??!!

The Atonement was bittersweet. Can’t get over how James is able to say so much from just looking at his eyes. So looking forward to watch Wanted.

But the scene in the bath house of Eastern Promises was disturbingly hot. Oh man Viggo!

Loved Catch and Release. As much as I liked Something New (Sanaa Lathan, Simon Baker). Can watch again and again.

TO has 3 new movies in 2008 – Stop Loss (Ryan Phillipe), High Life and A Perfect Getaway.

Looks like if I need my TO fix I’d have to download DeadWood. Or watch Hitman again. Damn it! Hate Western series. Only liked Pony Express. And that was ages ago. Dops and I used to go gaga over James Brolin. Those were the days.

Found a picture of him as Fritz from the movie Catch and Release.

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An Eulogy

Goodbye Mr. Armani

Mr. Armani has always sat on my left wrist. An accident with Mr. Bowl Johnson Suisse saw poor Armani flushed away with the results of my tummy.

Tis a sad sad day....

Note: I can’t even begin to care if Mr. Armani is going to clog my office drainage system. I’m grieving okeh.

Now where is that darned Longines catalogue.

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The day didn’t start that bad though. I was on my way to work, calmly driving like a responsible citizen behind a police truck. The kind of transportation police used to transport prisoners to court or where ever their destination. In which 2 policemen in uniform sat behind the truck.

One of them looked like a better looking Malai. I’s good friend from uni days. Anyway he smiled and I looked at him in an appraising way. Yeah I was checking him out.

Anyway he had the truck’s grill in the way of his view so he kept bobbing his head up and down to look at me or the car. Not surelah. But he smiled and I smiled back.

Feels good to share a smile with a total stranger to start the day with.

Didn’t hurt that he wasn’t that bad to look at.

*smiles*

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I’ve reported for duty at my new place. A bit overwhelmed but I’m really trying to push down any nervousness and anxiety.

More responsibility, more power.

Hope I don’t let it go to my head.

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That’s a Marc by Marc Jacobs Dr. Q Hillier Hobo Bag in Saddle. Gorgeous colour and I have a thing for big bags. Baggage kan….

Picture courtesy from e-luxury.