Tripping on Rory Gilmore

I’m on a trip down memory lane. Watching the whole 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls. I think I managed to follow 2 seasons when it aired aeons ago. So last Friday I made an impulsive purchase (aren’t they all seem like an impulsive purchase at first!) I bought the DVD set and couldn’t help myself from grabbing Deadwood, because Timothy Olyphant was staring at me with those bushy mustache and the alluring eyes, beckoning me ‘pick me up sweet mama…’

Can’t say no to those eyes lah.


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I’ve been so stressed I got ‘em mouth ulcers again. This time pain man! Can’t eat. The whole Sunday I went hungry and couldn’t eat much. Sigh.

On the bright side I’ve lost 1 pound. LOL.

Eye Candy

I feel like such a kid again. The kind where you like a boy so much that you try to tell him you like him by being mean to him. The pulling hair and spitting and throwing sand kind.

Ugh! So the playschool one.

Certainly brings out the aggressive side of me. Makes coming to work wonderful. Although tomorrow would be a quiet one. Meeting in the capital.

Asthma Attack

The past 2 days have been absolute hell. S got her asthma attack again. Sigh.

This time, we took her to the asthma bay in the hospital. After a round of nebuliser she was still lightly wheezing but because there were so many patients, IM and I decided to take her to her paed. While we were there the paed prescribed her hydrocote (steroids) to get rid of the inflammation of her airways, salbutamol for asthma and tridine for flu. All three were unsuccessfully administered orally because as soon as we wrestle her to the ground she’d kick and scream and then vomit the meds.

So that night was a bad night for me. IM? He slept through the night. I slept under her ‘buai’ in the living room because I made the decision to not bother shutting down the air-conditioner. IM lives in wintery conditions.

So my night was interspersed with 2 hours of sleep, 10 minutes of fussing with S because she was uncomfortable. At 2am woke up and tried to give her some meds. Failed. At 5.30am again tried to give her meds. This time I think she threw up half of it. But she could sleep better. At 8.30am she was uncomfortable again, wheezing and was a bit warm to the touch. So I made the decision to bring her to the paed again. No way was I bringing her to the emergency again. From past experiences she’d be admitted to the ward for asthma and fever.

IM was in school. Yeah. So I took emergency leave and brought S and Ma to the paed. This time she was given another round of nebuliser and then a hydrocote jab to the butt. Girl was strong okay. I hugged her close but her hand slipped from my grip and she made a grab for the syringe. She tried to pull it out. Hence a struggle with the paed and me shrieking ‘Let go, S! Let go!’.

When the paed pulled the syringe out it was all bended. Ish…seriau mak!

But her breathing cleared and the skin irritation around her eyes disappeared. What a relief!

Called Tok Pa to let him know and I got scolded for letting S’s health be compromised. Kalau tau haku tak tepon! Penat la.

My day was crazy to say the least. Other issues don’t seem to matter anymore.

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I’m seriously thinking about moving to KL. IM is also supportive of the idea. We’ll see lah. Need to keep an eye on me mum. Last doctor’s visit - her liver is not fully functioning and her kidneys are showing signs of deteriorating.

I’m so sad just thinking about it. I want to go home and spend more time with the woman who carried me for nine months and gave me everything she had to raise me proper. Even though I used to have issues with her (Abang was the favourite son) I’m past all that. Doesn’t seem to matter seeing that I’m on borrowed time with her. I haven’t been back in 2 months. I want to go back this month. I need to go back and see her this month.

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IM’s 32nd birthday on Saturday. Probably low-key celebration at best. Was thinking of making dinner. Buying cake. And that’s it. We’ll have J and L for dinner. Maybe K and R will be there. Ma and Abah will be in Seremban for round 2 of kenduri E.

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I pray to HIM that I have enough strength to be strong for IM and S. I also pray that we grow stronger and closer every day because love is rare and when you have it in your grasp you will protect it, nurture it and keep it with you always.

No matter what.

Be Steadfast My Heart

At the risk of sounding preachy, I’d like to talk about integrity. Since I was asked to decline going to the 5-days, Tan Sri Azizan Zainul Abidin Integrity Circles for Young Professionals in Cherating, I feel that I have something to say about having integrity.

By definition, integrity means steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code. I don’t want to go all legal jargon about it, but suffice enough to say to have integrity is to be govern by a moral compass. What it means is, doing what is right, irrespective of one’s religious/non-religious background.

My definition or rather the definition that has been drilled by a drill sargeant of a father, Papa always reminded me ‘don’t do unto others what you don’t want to be done to you’.

Therefore, I’ve always taken measures to avoid being the party to hurt others, or do things that would hurt the people I love. Unfortunately this doesn’t stop others from hurting my feelings or myself. Right??!!

Just because I live my life according to a code that I follow doesn’t mean others will. All I can hope is for the best of luck in those who’ve hurt my feelings with or without their knowledge.

Sometimes an innocent conversation between two people can be misconstrued. It is by no means the fault of anyone save the one person who’s crossed the line previously.

You know what they say, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I do hope no one I love ever experienced the gut-wrenching hurt I went through on 22^nd November 2007. I wouldn’t wish it even on my evil enemy. I don’t.

I just want to learn to trust again. And to love unconditionally. Steadfastly loving a soul. And to heal my broken soul.

This time though I’ve left no stone unturned. And if it happens again, then it’s a deal-breaker.

For me, at least. And I can walk away with much relief. This time none of it will be my fault. Not even a smidgen.

It is by no means this entry was meant to hurt anyone’s feeling. If it did, suck it up. Not everything in this world is about you.

This is my little promise to myself that I need to forgive myself and look in the mirror with a clean slate, that I am not to be blamed. Therefore, I don’t owe anyone anything. All I do owe is to myself, to learn to trust in love…again. Which I haven’t been able to do successfully…full-heartedly. And I think because I still hurt inside. I may look okay, because I need to be strong for others.

Now I need to be strong for me. Just me. So I can handle whatever else God has deemed an obstacle for me.

Gadget Madget

So much for being on a hiatus. My previous entry was steeped so much in anger and disappointment. I’m writing now not because my disappointment has ebbed a bit. It’s still there.

But at least today I don’t feel like I’m sitting in a vat full of shit.

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Last night, at Big Boss’s farewell dinner S went as a Winx Club fairy. She didn’t win this time but she did get a present. Pooh colouring pencils, a prayers book and a box of pencils. And I got 2, let me repeat that TWO hampers.

Wished the lucky draw was a ticket for two to Paris. Haha.

Who would I bring yeah?

Maybe my new colleague who I just found out was also an English grad. Yay! Ada gang.

Psst…he’s single too. And looks so much like Tzu, J’s boyfriend.


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I’m getting a Blackberry as a present from my beloved brother. Can’t wait man!

Love my brother so much! He's spending part of his yearly bonus on me. Woot!

I'm such a shmuck. I didn't even get him a birthday present. So I think I'd better get him a woop-ass wedding present. Heh.

See! Wish list do come true. I think he got tired of hearing how I wanted a Blackberry for so long but kept from getting one because of the price. I’m not cheap but I sure don’t want to spend so much on a phone.

Let me clarify that - a phone is just a phone yeah. It doesn't clean your house for you, spoon feed you, brush your hair, wash S's backside after big business. All it does is take, make calls and write sms, email, MMS. I'd pay 3k oh hell 5k for a bloody phone if it does all those extra things for me.

That would really be worth it okay.

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Okay, now must focus on work again. Will be out of the office the whole of next week for an integrity course. Sigh.

Toodles.

To Whom It May Concern

Go ahead. Take it. You want it so badly. Take it.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I've spent 7 years trying to find it. Elusive joy. Unfortunately the stars were not smiling at me all the time.

So go ahead. Own it. If you want it badly enough.

I'm broken. I'm all out of hopes. Even reserve.

Everything Speed One

The things I get in my email are surprising. Apart from belonging to a thread started by a couple of friends, now that have grown to be so monstrous that sometimes I can’t find the time and inclination to open each and every one and read them.

Liz, do I really need a speed dating site??!!

Are you trying to tell me something my dear? Heh…

*thinks hard*

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I’m going to be on a short hiatus. At least until I’ve studied and sorted this Kajian Separuh Penggal for RMK-9 and speed read on macro-economics.

So much to do, so little time.

Be good.